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|Saturday, February 5th, 2005|
Wow... I really wish I knew why..
but I feel really ugly right now...
|Thursday, January 27th, 2005|
I have to say that I appreciate what she has said in her journal... Honestly, I can't find a lot of comfort that she was indeed sincere.. Which would mean a lot more to me.. However I have to trust that she was indeed sincere.. She deserves more than just untrust.. It's hard to cope with the fact now that she hopes to find an equal partner in love or satisfaction in certain areas.. She's changed.. And I knew she would.. but why did I buy into her words when she said that it was just me, it could never be anything else.. That's more my fault than hers. It's something I don't want to slam her with..
Crys, you're not a horrible person.. and you don't know half the things that you think you know in the beginning part of the entry... You're right.. I don't know if I love you any more or less than you love me.. I can't gauge that.. I was never worried about how much love... I was just worried about love in general..
I'm not angry when you with hold telling me you love me and miss me... I know first hand sometimes it can't be said.. It doesn't mean I doubted you that you still felt it.. When I questioned your love for me.. it was never on that ground.. It's a bit loopy.. I can't really explain it..
I take back the things I said in my previous post about her never doing anything regarding her job and living situation.. I don't live there.. I don't know I'm not with her 24/7.. But she's told me what she's done.. she's told me that her Disability she has stayed ontop of.. that she's getting her room mate to talk to the landlord about exterminating tomorrow. I'm happy for her.. I'm happy for that..even if she has to work that that job and live in that house.. at least she's working herself into better positions and getting her life back in line. I hope she gets the job at verizon. I really do.. I saw how happy she was when she said she got the interview monday.. that made me happy.
I'm sorry I fucked up monday.. I did oversleep.. I should've been there when we agreed instead of trying to put it all on you.. It's just, yea.. if it's something like that I feel like you should've overridden what I said if you were concerned and wanted to make sure.. I mean.. afterall.. you still ended up calling anyway, right?
Okay.. well anyways..
Someone who does nothing but complains... and complains.. and complains.. and says nothing about doing anything to make it better.. That's the lifestyle I had to put up with... Complains about the infestation in her apartment.. Seen it first hand, ruin dinners.. ect.. And she says she talks to her room mates about it... and yet.. nothing still gets accomplished...
Whom complains about her work obsessively.. whom complains they haven't paid her Disability.. whom complains about the way they're fucking her over with her hours.. yet the same girl never says anything about actually doing something about it.. Not until she's given that opinion then of course she says "I've been doing so and so.. talking to HR, ect."
She is.. I will say this.. making steps to get out of that job she despises so much.. which is good.. I hope she does get somewhere where she can better enjoy her job.
I have no ill feelings towards Crys.. It's just the way she acts.. the same could be said about me.. (not necessarily comparing actions) She acts like a child.. She acts like a victim.. For example.. in all the phone drama from either yesterday or the day before. I made a mistake answering her question.. saying she started all this by being a bitch to me.. I said that without thinking.. When I tried to correct myself.. call her back and correct myself.. was I allowed to? No! It was constantly "Leave me the fuck alone, you're a fucking psycho *click*" When all I wanted to do was correct myself for her betterment because she didn't call me acting like a bitch. She looks for the worst from what I say and holds onto it and does -not- give me the chance to correct myself. This isn't the first time that it's happened.. And I can't deal with something like that.. God it's like she wants me to say something wrong so I can incriminate myself and she can use it against me and run with it..
You know.. I hope for once more in her life she does get her fucking confidence back.. the confidence "I supposively took from her." I don't see how I can physically remove her confidence from her posession, but whatever. I have the fucked logic here. Whales fly in a sky of grass and clouds of grape jelly. But she shined so much more when she did have her confidence.. when she did use to say that she wanted to do something and just almost stood up out of nowhere and was like "I'm going to do this because I can!" I never knew her when she was just a flirt and could "get any guy she wanted." Not personally anyways.. I knew her over an IM box. Apparantly she was more confident then though.. I can't take that fall for your confidence, because I didn't take it away from you. I can't feasibly do that to someone, anyone. Only one person can allow themselves to lose there confidence, and that's the person at hand. I can't say Crys ever made me mad either.. Rather the situations we were involved in made me mad. I don't too much give a fuck how this will be minimized, or denied.. But I really do care about her as a person.. Hell, ask Ryu, I told him to his face.. But you are living in a dream world.. Fuck whatever you're doing in the real world.. your romantic life is in the dream world.. You honestly expect a partner in your relationship to constantly give you 200%? That's -not- possible.. because everyone has -bad days- and needs more emphasis inward than they can give outward. It's not a matter of a person projecting negativity on other people because they have no love for themself.
- oooh and by the way.. your thinking is skewed and I love it :D Su came up to me only once to ask my side, and i wasn't in a position where I could give it to her. Everyone knows I'm daft and cannot sort feelings on the spot.. at least a lot of people that know me should know that. But you know.. I fumbled that one time.. and know that's written law in the book of physics. "Alan complains that my friends won't get his side of the story, but yet when they ask him for it he won't give it to them." Sweetie, when I make a habit out of something like that.. then write that law in.. Otherwise that's a horrible misconstruction.
I wish you luck in life. You will be somebody successful. If you feel that I'm truely holding you back, like the impression that I'm given, then you certainly don't need somebody like me at your side. Face it, you can't trust me.. that's why I hated it when you said you could. You don't need that. I can't give you support and reassurance.. I just give you anger and cold logic apparantly.. You don't need that either..
So lets see if you remembered to take me off your friends list this time.. Hopefully this journal entry will just be, my feelings outward. Current Mood: accomplished
|Wednesday, January 26th, 2005|
Quet day.. went to class.. got out of class.. went to play DDR.. Crys was there.. needless to say didn't stay long.. Think it's really funny that she has these opportunities to rip into me and she doesn't take up on them.. No matter. She refuses to see where I'm coming from.. Instead decides to just rip into my feelings, my "logic" and call me a psycho nut job. I guess it would bother me a little bit more if other people were saying the same thing to me.. At one point, I thought a lot of this was me.. I can't say I feel the same way anymore.. It hurts to know that somebody can be completely ignorant of your feelings.. Maybe that's what she feels as well.. (probably, though I can't answer for her because I'm not her). As for any one who gives her sympathy and looks at it completely in one side of things.. ::shrug:: that bothered me before.. It shouldn't have, but I did let it get to me.. If people who befriend her only care to hear what she has to say, and what she has to show them.. Then so be it. People want to get two sides to the story.. they can do that as well.. I have to say though.. I am at fault for one thing.. I'm at fault for not giving her the affection and the sympathy she felt she deserves. But I've told her that I'm fickle when it comes to affection, and I refuse to sympathize with her on simple matters that escalate. If it's something you can take care of.. then take care of it first. Don't bitch and whine about it when you have to power to do something about it.. If she wants a boyfriend who will give her complete and utter sympathy for -everything- and not try to show her that she has options and she needs to do things.. she needs to start robbing the cradle and scope out highschools for potential prospects. When she's ready to join the rest of the real world and act like an adult, and be able to handle everyday situations.. Then do it. There ya go Crys.. you want to know what the fuck I want from you?? I want maturity.. so you know what? Don't try to flatter me with sweet things you get upset at if I don't respond like you want me to.. Just be a fucking adult please. Current Mood: irritated
|Tuesday, January 25th, 2005|
I hate how disturbing dreams can be... At least this one could've been.. anything that continues in sucession to me waking me up irks me.. the story context wasn't too pleasing either.. oh well whether farse or whatever.. it's something I don't intend to let me get to me..
|Saturday, December 25th, 2004|
You know.. I must say... That I am -very- happy that I am not Ryu... and I have to give him utmost admiration for the way he dealt with the aftermath of his relationship when all the hidden bullshit started coming out..
...Cause if it were me... I'da done been a bad wittle boy... -___-
That's utterly disgusting... The things I've seen whilst before they had even broken up regarding this girl and her fucking "love..." LOL ooh and I do soo much love the way that she played down her end of being a bitch and how "We were just playing around.. laughing and everything... I wasn't really trying to hurt her by throwing her into a glass door" Yea fucking right, you ignorant little tramp... That's why Crys called me upset because Laura called her all upset because you had done that shit to her! GET A FUCKING CLUE..It's an ACT!.. The SAME FUCKING ACT that you love to put on when you're around people...
I can't stand a person to pretend nothing's wrong when something's bothering them..
I can't do it.. I don't like it when other people think they can... Get a grip..
I love the way that when money goes missing the first words out of her fucking mouth are "I was at work all day.." Yea... work.. the shit you finally decided to start doing as oppossed to using your Leave of Absence...and not making a fucking paycheck... and what really doesn't add up.. all the money that you owe hmm.... lets see.. EVERYBODY? and you're going out and buying christmas gifts?? 50 dollar shoes, ect... ect.. Visa doesn't give away that big of an expense account.. that's for sure.. so I'm wondering how deep from your filthy asshole you're pulling this money from, because I can almost assure you.. it's not from the minimal hours you've been working... granted you've pulled a lot of overtime this past week.. unfortunately all that's not going to show up until -next- paycheck.. So ontop of being a disgusting pig, a slobbenly housekeep, and a fucking two faced, two timing tramp whom has no fucking clue of what a concept that true love could really be, you're also a fucking thief and a bum... I can see why you don't fucking care to clean shit or anything.. you don't want that three bedroom townhouse.. so everyone can be fully moved into a bedroom... because you were "so oppossed to Crys moving in." Fucking.. LIAR! All the times you were telling other people you were oppossed to it?? You were lieing to someone because the side I heard on my end when I was around you Crys, Laura, Wayne, ect, was that you embraced the thought of crys moving in with you all.. Keep in mind.. -I- was around for those talks too.. That's where I'm basing that -fact- from. Now look, let's recap..
You're Irresponsible.. why? Someone who breaks a window pane because she's pissed that she's can't get into the house, then ontop of it doesn't give anything specific as far as when she'd check into getting it repaired lacks a lot of responsibility (ooh.. Kudos points on telling Crys that you didn't punch it.. you "forcefully leaned into it." That must've been the director's cut when you gave laura the unrated "I got pissed and threw my hand into the window" Edition.. ::golf clap::
-.-; oy ) I mean come on.. you can't even pick up after yourself.. and you want to start taking care of a little "puppy"
You're a thief.. I will blantantly call you a thief... why? Because you've worked the least in that household.. you're very quick to throw out an allibi.. But lets go back to the work.. you pull your Medical Leave Bullshit for almost two weeks straight.. fall behind on bills, ect.. say the day before you have no cash.. then the next day when 40 bucks is missing from Crys's wallet.. you're ready to go to the store to buy like 20 bucks worth of food or something.. I wish bills would blossom from my Bonzai too... If I'm wrong.. prove me wrong..
You're a two faced tramp - Lets see.. dating one guy whom you feel for.. you goto tennessee to see some other guy.. whether something happened or not is irrelevant.. but you change when you come back.. a couple weeks before your boyfriend broke up with you you're telling the guy from tennessee that you love him and he loves you... then a couple days prior to breaking up.. you're two timing both of them because you're all over some guy in West Ashley! Perpetually... if you had a penis.. it would be more than apparant what was in charge..
You're a slob - Soup on the stove for weeks.. 2 liter soda bottles lieing around the bathroom and the other rooms.. your workstation a disaster.. and I don't even care to see what your room looks like.. Someone who can't even clean up a bloodied period mess on a bathroom toilet seat.. that goes past slob to unsanitary... Thank god I had gloves on that night...
You're a Liar - Face it.. when you start telling someone one story.. and turn around and tell somebody anohter story on the same topic.. in laments terms... that's a lie.. . The act associated with a Lie is called "Lieing" when you falsify a situation or leave a lot of shit(by shit meaning information) out so that a false opinion can be made of a situation to someone...you are "Lieing" to that person.. Lieing... is bad... I'd consider stopping it if I were you before you realize that all the friends you were lieing to... are no longer there.. Ties of friendships were meant to last a long time.. that doesn't mean abuse the ties.. because they'll cave under found bullshit..
I'd almost call you a bitch.. but you haven't matured to that point yet.. you're still a fucking child.. a spoiled little child whom just like a pack of ignorant...self centered fuckheads wants to have everything done -her- way.. Grow up fast little Hoshii (purposely with the two I's because -that- is your name) because the real world doesn't have time to play games with children.. I guess that's why Reality is such an unforgiving, uncaring parent.. Happy Fucking Christmas
Hi Livejournal! :D I missed typing in you! :B
|Saturday, December 4th, 2004|
Okay.. so.. after placing an order I think.. Tuesday... For the Sakura Colored PS2... I find out YESTERDAY NIGHT SOMETIME (because Hawaii is like a bagillion time zones behind us) something very mortifying..
...it's on backorder... -.-;;
...-it's- on.. backorder -.<;;;
......THE FUCKING THING IS ON BACKORDER >XO!!!!
You know.. this is the -last- time I put 2-3 day priority shipping on something.. Mebbe if I'm lucky I'll get it by the end of next year sometime -_____- ::exaggeration:: more like... a week and some change.. because that's when they expect it in ::hiss:: oh well..
I forgot how much I loved to make her laugh and smile.. It makes me tingle :)
SLEEP!! >XO Current Mood: tired
|Friday, December 3rd, 2004|
Two days of happy stuff entwined together by a piss n moan fest at work last night x.x;; Mef...
I want more days like those.. I have a long road ahead of me.. I know I can do it though especially with her support.. Also, thank you so much Kat.. your comment really meant a lot to me, to us.. you get big huggles when I see you next.
I refuse to be a dissapointment again.. I will practice what I preach.. I will not allow myself to get hurt and mask that hurt with anger.. I will, however, allow myself to be real with my feelings.
I want to start listening to what she has to say.. It really upsets her when I don't.. It really upsets me also.. There's just something there though.. that's so right when she's there.. And I will force her to nappies if she doesn't start getting proper rest >:\ My poor babeh.. ::hugish::
Speaking of nappies.. work is in 8 hours.. me sleepies for 7 and a quarter...
WHERN WILL THIS PAYMENT PROCESS.. IT's been like.. 48 hours x2 >.<;; Damn 6 hour time zone difference..
nai nai :D
|Wednesday, December 1st, 2004|
|I can't go through with it..
I refuse to delete my journal.. I refuse to give up a part of me... I can't...
I found out a lot of things last night.. a whole bunch about myself and other people.. Some things still don't add up....
I had to leave work early this morning... I was trembling very badly for the last two hours I was there.. I barely made it out the door before I started to cry..
It hurts so badly.. I need you...
You won't be there though.. and I understand why.. I wouldn't be either if I were you..
It's hard when you're facing yourself in a mirror and actually looking at yourself.. Seeing what you show the world.. and Feeling something completely different..
I was a hypocrite (about a lot of things..) especially when it came to you putting on a facade..
I'm so sorry.. I never was worth your time..
I wish I could find my single edged razors right now..
Here it now world... or close your eyes and ears to it... I made her out to be the psycho she wasn't.. We had our problems.. what fucking couple doesn't? YOu want to place blame though? I don't care if you're friend/foe/onseer... I want to say this.. Neither of us were perfect.. I certainly wasn't.. I didn't know how to handle my feelings.. I didn't know how to keep pushing forward after I cheated on her... I fell further down a spiral... I was so self-focused.. I refused to listen to her.. because I didn't want to be wrong.. because I wanted only what I felt to matter... I was the fucker thinking with a closed mind.. She did just want to help me.. she wanted me to see things... and when I finally saw them.. they were things that she really did tell me all along.. She was my one and only true love.. I can't love another.. because I can't see past everything she was to me... How much she still put up with and stuck by me.. And then not call me a horrible person afterwards... She told me I was a great guy... I want to be that great guy she saw in me... I don't know how to anymore.. I'm broken... I have no support.. I really don't.. I feel like I'm collapsing in upon myself... my heart is shredded... my feelings shattered... I almost told my Assistant I can't work anymore this morning.. to call my supervisor and tell her... I'm through... I envy those people who can claim their life.. Who can take a bullet to their head, overdose and never wake up again... even disembowel themselves.. whatever.. I envy them... I'm a coward.. I can't do that... I'm not scared for my life... but I couldn't do that to everyone who did love me... At least she wouldn't feel guilt if I did it though.. I wouldn't want her to.. Maybe it would help her more... To really get on with her life instead of mourning the loss of me.... Like I mourn the loss of her..
She was my best friend... Even though I was too arrogant to admit it, she knew me.. she knew who I was.. and I only showed malice towards it.. I suppressed the feeling of gratitude that I did have... I was grateful that I did find that one person whom I wanted to understand me.. I miss her touch.. the way her skin felt.. so soft.. she was so pretty.. but I never told her.. because I was always wrapped up in my fucking life.. I miss her kisses... She's been the only girl whom I've considered the best kisser.. She really did compliment me physically... I don't feel like I'll ever get that again..
It's really hard to breath right now.. It's hard to focus... I feel hollow.. like there's something inside of me that's going to consume me.. that has consumed me.. and I'm nothing more than a shell... I don't how to get anything back`!! I DON"T KNOW~!!!
I want to be that man who really loved you before he started fucking you over.. I know I was a waste of your time.. and I'm so sorry.. I'm sorry I made you leave Maryland.. I'm sorry I took you away and brought you somewhere you hated... I'm sorry I had you fucked over by people I thought would be your friends.. I didn't want any of that to happen...
It hurts me the most though... to know... to finally fucking see.. what every other guy that knew you and wanted you saw... To know that I did have the best fucking thing ever... and I DESTROYED IT.. I FUCKING DESTROYED IT.. LIKE A FUCKING DESTRUCTIVE FORCE OF FUCKING NATURE... I killed it...I did it... Not you...
I need to be held.. I need the comfort.. I can't be strong for myself anymore.. I miss you.. I love you so much..
I wish you luck in your future.. You're a great girl.. I wish I would've never forgotten that..
Take care, sweetie.. Current Mood: Dead
|Monday, November 22nd, 2004|
|The Last Song
(Intended to be a comment.. too long of a comment -_-)
I'm sorry.. I cannot stay quiet anymore.. This will probably be the final thing I say in regards to all of this before I leave this journal behind..
Let's start here..
"and now.. um.. if someone has been not only looking at, but analyzing ALL my journals, how are they to complain when i finally read theirs? I seriously wanted to see if he complained about me saying "happy birthday" in my livejournal and got a bit more than was expected..... (BUT HELLO?! They are mostly FRIENDS ONLY POSTS, which he cannot see, so how can he even begin to analyze their purpose? o.O;; did he not even read my journal info????? cept for celestialshodou because I dont even remember my journal info there, it's probably somethign not happy XD ). not to mention that i havent written in either since Oct 16 or so for celestialshodou and since almost a month ago for shiningdesire. Not to mention that Shining is for mostly supernatural stuffs/as well as stories and such. And Celestial is just whenever I need something for a certain group of friends, whether happy, sad, stories, or such. I put "mourning" on shiningdesire because it has no one on its friends list and I could keep it public, so if someone reaaaaaally wanted to know, they could access it or if Alan happened to stumble on it. in all honesty, I did put those on public since he really wanted to know how i felt, and also, well, i wanted him to know. I mention that once and all of a sudden that journal revolves around him??? wtf?? and then the other one?? wtf x2?? is he going through all my journals? and WHY? what purpose? is he going through every last public post and making tallies ? o.O;;; but yeah.. and now he's flipped out and is making a new journal because, I dunno, because I read his and said he had the wrong idea?"
- Now then.. As I did on the phone I'll type it out here.. I misunderstood something said a while back when you mentioned talking about how you really felt in one of your other journals.. Where you get this whole "all of a sudden that journal revolves around him from?" I don't know.. As far as keeping tallies on your journals.. That's bullshit.. the first time I glanced at your other two journals was pretty much a few minutes before I wrote the one that started this.. Finally as far as me making a new journal? I've had enough.. you don't just "make the mistake" of reading somebody's journal.. especially in these situations.. You either want to read it, or you don't.. Yes.. I'm posting how I feel out to the world.. However I'm not telling anybody to look at it.. Thats a choice a person chooses to make.. So why be critical on the source when it's the public's choice of viewing?
"good, he doesnt deserve to use Ven anyway -.-;; not that he didnt say he wasnt going to drop it a long ass time ago.."
-Irony o_o; It's not like that was something new -after- I met you..Just you gave me a different concept to look at.. Let's be real though, I established vensitto before you Crys... I established Ven before you.. You're right though.. I need to be real about the context used.. and in that saying, you're also right.. I don't deserve to use it in -your- context, and your right.. I don't use it in your context, but it doesn't mean I cannot refer to it..
Now then as far as her picking apart the post in -my- journal..I didn't see anything conflicting.... untilll
"just like I hated it when we had that fight after 9/11.. I wish I could remember what that was about though.. but I was happy to see her again in January, even if the feeling wasn't mutual...
Now I am just INSULTED he fucking compares THIS BULLSHIT to how we got together... and makes it out like after the whole fight thing was situated out I wasn't happy as all hell to see him.. and we've been over what really hurt me from the fight, so hey, he's soooo good at remembering everything else he's hurt me with, why not that too? :;sighs::"
-Time fuckingout... I'm not comparing.. it's a rememberance.. If you're talking about whatever happened after 9-11 (as far as the fight's concerned), we -NEVER- went over it in detail.. because -NEITHER- of us could remember it.. you just remembered it really upsetted you.. but didn't remember a lot of it.. I don't remember fighting.. I remember talking to you..at least that's how I saw it on my side of things.. I should've clarified seeing her again though... I just meant in the chatroom.. At that point I didn't know things would've became what they did.. I'm still not seeing a comparison you're seeing though..
"Nothing I can do can change that though.. I also hate that -.- so I have no choice just to accept it and go... accept the mistakes done, accept the fact that I did talk to her in January and started all this in motion... And just keep walking..
THEN FUCKING BE OVER IT ALREADY.. my FUCKING god.. this sooo fucked up our relationship even more than what he ACTUALLY did behind my back... ::screams:: And once again, I am extremely insulted that he takes how we got together and extends it to THIS bullshit.. as if we NEVER had a good part in our relationship. and he says -I- distort timelines?? whee.. now I'm crying again.."
-Let's talk about time as far as being over anything.. This shit is the reason why I'm changing my journal.. Your friend's reading, your reading... And for why? Why does it matter what I'm saying in my journal? It's -my- journal for one.. just like that's -your- journal.. I don't pick your entries apart in detail.. I don't cross analyze what you write.. the first time in a couple weeks or so that I did look at your journal was last the other night.. The only time I ever looked at your other two was the other night as well.. I do apologize for misconstruing your other two journals.. Yes, sometime earlier I did ask you to be real about your feelings if you were feeling something completely different than what you were conveying in your journal. Why? Because it's really hard for me to believe what you're feeling if all you were telling me is that your journal was one big facade.. I guess I can't hold it too much against you.. that's -your- journal after all.. and that's being a bit too comparisive to myself.. I just generally say how I feel in mine if I say anything at all.. Ooh and one more thing.. as far as making you the end of any jokes with friends or what not.. I can't prove it, but I don't. The only person I ever really hang out with is Ryu.. So ask him.. If anything you know he's not going to lie about something like that.. At least I would hope you would think of him as a bigger person than to do that..
In regards to Su - Unfortunately there is no drama being created by me by my feelings.. Crys had a choice... read Alan's journal, or don't.. She chose to read it.. she chose any consequences along with that.. I figured a journal was there to get emotions off of a person's mind.. I don't see how you feel like I'm just doing this out of malice towards Crys though.. I don't see enough grounds.. it's not like you even try to talk to -me- to get the other side.. you read a journal.. you get a glimpse.. Maybe I am not putting on a facade.. maybe I am genuinely hurting.. There are reasons why I don't want to call.. maybe there are reasons why I feel like the friendship is a lost concept to me.. maybe I'm not just trying to be a complete and utter jackass out of maliciousness.. I guess until people actually communicate with -me- that's a pretty lost topic to discuss.. Anyways.. I've said enough.. I'm done with this journal.
|Sunday, November 21st, 2004|
This will be the last time I use this live journal.. I will no longer use it after this post.. Most likely I'll lock out the password so I'll have no idea what it is or something.. feh.. anyways.. People who want to know what my new journal will be, IM me or reply to this and I will be more than happy to add you.. otherwise.. it's been fun.
:) Thank you Kristina for the Happy birthday away message <3
Today is my birthday... I went out with Kenny last night at 11.. Had fun :D Got in at like..4ish... I have to work tonight though... sigh.. oh well..
I wonder how many more happy birthdays I'll hear before it's all said and done?? Haven't heard or seen too many this year. Guess it's nothing really big to worry about though.. I don't really advertise this time of year...
I see a lot of a change in her... Which I know I don't know how to take.. but it's healthier that I am taking it.. It's probably for the best that I'm soo looked down upon.. the way she and her friends put me down, cracking jokes on me or whatever.. I've also noticed though that in her three journals.. one devoted to her life, one that looks like it's devoted to venting towards me, and the final that looked like it was meant to mourning the loss of me (I don't know.. that's just what it seems) She's wrote in the final journal the last time a little under a month ago.. the venting journal... a few days ago... and of course her real life journal everyday... It just says that she's getting on with her life.. doing things to make her feel better (apparantly whether she's supposed to or not) I have to quell this insecurity in me though... I won't pick up a phone and lapse this cycle.. At least on my part.. Hah, it probably wouldn't phase her though ::shrug:: I do hate losing her friendship.. just like I hated it when we had that fight after 9/11.. I wish I could remember what that was about though.. but I was happy to see her again in January, even if the feeling wasn't mutual...
I have to be honest though.. It doesn't matter if it was an experience learned or what... but I don't like hurting people.. (some of you who've known me a while should know that) and I feel an overwhelming amount of pain for what I've done to this girl.. every mistake I've made that I've exposed her too... Through carelessness and unknowing I was a very malicious person... and I really hate myself for that.. Nothing I can do can change that though.. I also hate that -.- so I have no choice just to accept it and go... accept the mistakes done, accept the fact that I did talk to her in January and started all this in motion... And just keep walking..
I guess that just really surfaces when I just have nothing going on for me.. Maybe it's the shit that I know I've done and the person I have been that what makes it really hard to allow myself to be accepted by other people.. I don't care enough about myself... I don't accept myself as much as I thought I did... so why should anyone else? I really do hate.. I hate myself.. I hate who I am.. I long to be something else... I cannot be.. and I don't even know what that is..
..I. Kinda really... just want to cry... Happy Birthday though.. Right Alan? Big smiles... Current Mood: crushed
|Saturday, November 20th, 2004|
Apparantly there was an equal trade..
I fucked up her computer...
She fucked up my Japanese PS2....
mightas well start snapping photos of games for sale on ebay. Current Mood: sigh..
|Monday, November 8th, 2004|
I just love the way people blow shit out of proportion...
|Friday, November 5th, 2004|
Beeeeen a while...
BEeeeeen VEra busy...
Got my Japanese PS2.. w00t..
Got BEatmania IIDX 3rd style and a BMIIDX controller w00t!!!
Got Beatmania IIDX 7th style and DDR Max2 JP coming in in a few days.. w00t!!
Got a question for xenyomega
How does the song unlocking work on 3rd style? because I can't freaken figure it out.. some songs are there on arcade, then they aren't.. ect... and then freestyle.. feh.. whatever.. yawn..
|Tuesday, October 26th, 2004|
OMFG I Thought it was coming tomorrow! O__O!!!
My mom said I had a package on the porch... I'd been here for like a couple hours.. and NOW she tells me....
OMFG ish so pretty ;__; I don't wanna take it out of the box...
Well I'm not going to for a while anyways.. no point until I get some games for it XD!!
Off work.. yaay... for two days.. yaaaayy....
My PS2 comes in tomorrow... ::glee:: THen I have to get a beatmania controller and pick up a Beatmania mix... :D that's gonna rock so much :D!!!
I might play a lil Final Fantasy tonight. Haven't touched it in a while..
|Saturday, October 23rd, 2004|
|Point of View
She can sit there and say she fucking loves me till she turns fucking blue...
I don't see it.. because she doesn't show it..
Unless I'm crossing the concepts of caring and loving... she definately doesn't show one or the other..
I know she doesn't fucking care... why?
From my previous post.. when I said I had to work... for possibly 15 hours... she knew that meant I had to be up by 5... it's 12:03 right now.. 5 hours... She called me about 20 minutes till.. When I told her on the phone getting really upset that I need to goto bed..she still persisted... She doesn't fucking care that I need to get rest.. That's the tip of that iceberg.. I wish I kept a journal, because I could give a million and one other things where she didn't fucking care..
I don't fucking owe any fucking information to you either... Not about my life.. Not about what I plan to do with it..
All this shit that constantly comes out.. I'm seeing that all of this has given me so much fucking baggage.. I can't even have my own fucking journal anymore.. because all I seem to do is just rant about the stupid shit she's putting me through now..
Fuck it all.. I can't wait for my PS2 to come in... That'll make me feel a lil better.
I'm going to try to calm down and sleep now..
I really wish I had the patience to defend myself earlier tonight.. I just don't really care though..
You're right..I made up having to work today, because I didn't want to deal with the possibility of 1000 questions regarding why I didn't want to do anything with you -_-
Saw Laura and Wayne at the Mall playing DDR... Ironically they left almost immediately after I got there... took their tokens off the machine and everything.. They probably had to go or something.. Just.. Very Ironic..
Leannie met me up there to play some DDR..that was all groovy.. we went to best buy afterwards...I bought the 2nd Bloodhound Gang CD... it's a trip..
Anyways I gotta work 12-15 hours tomorrow.. lemme sleep now and brace for it..
|Friday, October 22nd, 2004|
::snore:: Current Mood: tired